The world has been telling you to bottle up your emotions your entire life. After all: Cowboys and Cowgirls don’t cry!
Suppressing your emotions may spare others the discomfort of having to deal with your feelings, but keeping it all on the inside can cause way more harm than what you can imagine. My blog for this month deals with negative emotions: what it is, and how we should deal with it to ensure a healthy emotional life.
What happens if you suppress your negative emotions?
- The explosion
The very best example of negative emotions that have been suppressed for too long is the epic explosion. You just cannot keep it in any longer and you forget who and what you are and merely let it out. Everyone close by are running for the hills; kids and dogs are all hiding away…
- Your stomach twists into a knot
Chronic stress has the ability to trigger your nervous system’s flight of fight response which in turn slows down digestion, resulting in gas, bloating, constipation, vomiting and even stomach ulcers.
- Very tight neck and shoulders
All the emotions we hold back can cause the muscles in your jaw, neck or shoulders to tighten and normally it takes a number of physiotherapy sessions to reverse the damage.
- The tension headache
Ever experienced a tension headache? When all the muscles in your face and on your forehead tighten, you manage to cut off some of the oxygen-rich blood from your brain, resulting in severe headaches.
- Heart palpitations and heart attacks
A number of negative emotions, especially anger, can increase your risk of heart disease substantially. The anger or severe stress can result in a rush of stress hormones which in turn can result in blood vessels to tighten. The increased pressure can cause a blood vessel to eventually tear.
For many of these symptoms you might just pop a pill. Afterall, is that not why we have such a variety of over-the-counter medication available? The sad reality is that these medications only deal with the symptoms and not with the course.
What is a negative emotion?
There are literally millions of books and articles that focus on the definition of emotions and there is not much agreement on a single definition or explanation. In layman’s terms emotions can be described as a strong feeling one experience as a response to one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others. An emotion is based on a personal/subjective view of a situation and hence two people might not experience the same emotions in a similar situation. There is very little (if any!) reasoning involved in emotions as they are generated in our subconscious mind.
Emotions can be positive or negative, and there are thousands of different emotions. By the age of seven we have already experienced all the basic emotions. Knowing the name of an emotion is not a precondition for experiencing the emotion.
Negative emotions tend to form gestalts. Think of it as a chain: when you experience a specific emotion for the first time, it forms an anchor in the mind and every time when you again experience that emotion, it forms a link in the chain. Over time the chain (gestalt) becomes longer and longer…over time you end up dragging along a long and heavy chain of emotion.
No wonder that our negative emotions are literally slowing us down; we are dragging along a chain of anger or fear, etc.
Some of the most common negative emotions include: anger, annoyance, fear, anxiety, sadness, guilt, apathy and despair.
Do we want to overcome and stop negative emotions altogether?
In short: no.
It is normal for us to want to move away from emotions that make us feel bad. However, negative emotions are a normal, healthy and helpful part of life. It is really important not to fall into the trap of believing that these emotions are a sign of weakness.
You might ask yourself: how can you manager your negative emotions? The idea of ‘managing’ negative emotions is a complex one. It does not mean avoiding feeling them; equally it does not mean letting these negative emotions cause havoc on your life, your relationships, and your stress levels.
Here are some practical tips to manage and even embrace negative emotions:
- Allow yourself to feel
Some people might think that showing emotion makes a person weak. This view is very far removed from the truth! If you are dealing with a tough situation that is invoking emotions in you, do not suppress them. Let yourself feel what you are feeling. Avoiding your negative emotions will only intensify them in the long run.
I am not saying that you should act on the emotion – that is a choice and you can choose to act or not to act on the emotion.
- Get up and look smart
Do not neglect personal care. When we are overwhelmed with negative emotions, it can be hard to motivate ourselves to do anything. During the lockdowns worldwide a number of people are neglecting personal care as response to the despair, fear and anger they experience. While we should certainly take the time we need to process everything we are feeling, this should not come at the expense of personal care. While you are feeling negative emotions, be focused on eating healthy, sleeping enough, getting exercise, and attending to your personal hygiene. Not taking care of yourself will not only delay the healing process, but can also compromise your physical health.
- Get some sun and laughter
As I have said before in my blogs, sun and laughter are some of the very best medicine for negative emotions. Spend some time outside. When negative emotions hit you, the comfort of your bed may be the only place you want to be, but being outdoors has powerful healing effects.
And find something to laugh about. And if you can’t? Do a laughter exercise. There are four sounds of laughter: Ho, Ha, He, and Hay. Use those sounds to laugh right now. It does not matter if it is a fake laugh or real. Many people, when practising fake laughter, start laughing for real.
- Just breathe
This might seem obvious! After all, you have to continue to breathe to stay alive. However, when you are under stress and negative emotions overwhelm you, it is easy to forget to breathe. Become aware of our body and where you feel the negative emotions in your body. Now take deep breaths and imagine that with every breath your breath is dissolving the negative emotion. This can be a powerful exercise to do just before you go to sleep.
- Reach out
Interactions with others are extremely powerful. Do not underestimate the impact that a conversation can have on your healing, whether it be with a loved one, an acquaintance, a mental health professional, or a stranger. Any person you talk to will be able to offer you a new perspective on your situation, can help you process your feelings, can provide you encouragement as you deal with whatever is going on in your life, or can simply offer a listening ear.
Remember, this is not a sign of weakness, and everyone has dealt with negative emotions in their lives at one point or another.
And when someone reach out to you – remember that they are taking a big step by letting you in. Thank them for doing so. Don’t try to give them answers, just listen. Ask them how you can be of support to them and what they might need from you.
- Practise gratitude
Now is a good time to count your blessings. Practise gratitude as I have explained before in an earlier blog: The attitude of appreciation.
When you are in a tough situation soaked with negative emotions, remember that they will not last forever. Try not to put a time limit on feeling what you need to feel. However, just remember that each day that passes is bringing you closer to healing. Nothing in life is permanent and that includes the negative emotions you might currently be feeling.
Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose. Lyndon B. Johnson
More about me
I am a Leadership and certified Master Life Transformation Coach specialising in Negative Emotional TherapyTM and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. I assist clients to overcome and deal with their negative emotions in an effective and efficient way with lasting results. I do virtual and face-to-face sessions and both work equally well. Why not contact me?