More and more I hear people saying: I am working very hard, there is the kids, the household, the fear of Covid, our finances… It is all becoming too much; I cannot do this anymore!
I am sure that many of you can associate with these feelings.
Then there are the well-meant responses like Just hang in there. At least you have a job. This too shall pass. Come on, you can do this. And it makes you feel even more like a failure.
We all have our different elements of madness and from time to time we all feel overwhelmed. It is ok and you are not alone.
So, what practical steps can you take to navigate through the madness?
- Give yourself a break
Yes, you have heard this before, but it is true. We are often our own toughest critics. No-one is perfect and every person has only 24 hours in a day. Make a point of telling yourself every day, out loud: I am good enough and doing my best is good enough. Reality is that you cannot do any better under the circumstances, so why beat yourself up about it?
- Leave the monkey where it belongs
How often do you feel that you have to take on someone else’s problem even though you have enough of your own? It might feel like it is your responsibility or it might just make you feel good about yourself.
The problem with this approach is that you cannot pour from an empty cup. We all have problems and you cannot take on someone else’s problems when you can hardly stand up under your own.
In order to be good to others, you need to look after yourself first of all. So don’t take on others’ responsibilities and problems merely because you feel sorry for them. Unless you have filled your own cup, you will not be able to take care of their problems in the way you wish or they expect.
This obviously also implies that from time to time you have to say NO.
- The guilt
And then there is the guilt when you get yourself to a point where you do not take on the monkey. Here are a couple of steps to deal with that guilt (I promise to share more in a future blog):
- Name your guilt – Say it out loud and listen to what you are saying. If someone else was saying this to you, what would your response be?
- Explore the true sources of you guilt – It is normal to feel guilty when you know you have done something wrong, but guilt can also take root in response to events you did not have much, or anything, to do with. Guilt can also stem from the belief that you have failed to fulfill expectations you or others have set. Of course, this guilt does not reflect the effort you have put in.
- Learn from the past – You cannot rewrite events by replaying scenarios with different outcomes, but you can always consider what you have learned. And then let it go.
- Practise gratitude – Not only to everyone else for what they are doing, but also thank yourself.
- Review your expectations and timelines
You might have your enormous to do list. Good for you. Is it really doable? Do the timelines make sense?
There are only 24 hours in a day yet you always plan for a 30+ hour day. How realistic is that? Think about it: you are actually setting yourself up for failure. And when you fail, you again feel guilty and try to work even harder. It is a vicious circle and only you can break that circle. You have to pause, reflect and deliberately make the changes.
- Communicate
You will find that when you articulate your challenges out loud that you already start to feel better. Share your feelings, be honest with what you can and cannot do, agree on the way forward. Often, we are looking at people around us, and since they are not complaining and look that they are coping, we assume that the problem is with us and that we just need to work harder to get it done. Little do we realise that the people around us have the very same experience.
So, make time to communicate, share experiences and learning.
- Pause to see the good stuff
As much as it feels like the world rests on your shoulders, there are still so much good going on. Take some time every day, even if just a few minutes, to see the good stuff. Perhaps have your morning coffee outside and see the trees, flower or birds. See the sun. There are tremendous healing powers in nature and even as little as 10 minutes could do us so much good.
And perhaps it is now a good time to limit your time on social media. There are so many negative stories, fear and anxiety spread on social media. These might well add to your state of being. Make a conscious decision to change that.
Remember that all you have to do is to take one small step every day. When I make only 1% change every day, imagine what I can do over the course of a year!
The man who carries away a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. Confucius.