This calendar year I have not achieved my goals, I did not succeed in my studies, I did not get the promotion and increase I wanted. Why am I such a failure?, a client asked me.
You may find yourself thinking that you are a failure because you did something wrong, did not succeed at a goal you set for yourself, or because something bad happened to you that you believe is your fault. Maybe you did not pass the exam, or did not get promoted at work, or your significant other criticised you.
Feeling like a failure is a real thing. We live in an age fuelled by social media, with its filtered images and glamorous stories. This means that your accomplishments can seem small in comparison, making it easy to feel like a failure. And before you know it you are overwhelmed with thoughts like: It must be because I am not good enough, I am a failure, and My life sucks.
So, how do we change that?
- You vs the failure
It is crucial to distinct between you and the failure. Failing at something does not make you a failure. When you fail an exam, it is merely that: you failed the exam. It does not mean that you failed at everything in life. You are still here; you are still breathing and have the ability to change direction.
- Watch the self-talk
When you hear the same song over and over again, it is not very long until the lyrics are stuck in your mind and you even find yourself humming the song over and over. When you call yourself a failure it is like listening to a recording over and over again and before you know it, you are believing it and find more and more reasons why it is true. Make a point of becoming aware of your self-talk and deliberately change it to positive affirmations.
- You are not helpless
When you start feeling like a failure, it can become very easy to fixate on the idea that your fate is totally out of your control; you are a victim. The thing about being a victim is that you do not have to do anything; you can merely continue to sulk and blame everything and everyone around you. Remember that you are not helpless. It might be hard to change or deal with your circumstances however, you can do it. You are way stronger than what you think.
- Eat the elephant bite by bite
It is impossible to shallow an elephant! When you are faced with a problem as big as an elephant, it is not possible to come up with a quick fix. Break it down into chunk sizes and tackle each element, one at a time.
- Continue to practise gratitude
Practising gratitude is very powerful. Studies show that consistently identifying the things in your life and yourself that you are grateful for reduces feelings of depression, anxiety, frustration, and inadequacy. It nurtures feelings of peace, happiness and contentment. Start small, perhaps identifying only one thing every day. Every step, no matter how big or small, is a step in the right direction.
- Surround yourself with support
Often, when you feel defeated, you seek to hide in the corner and avoid interactions with others. The problem with this approach is that you loose perspective and sink even deeper into misery. Surround yourself with positive and supportive individuals that can encourage you and make you smile.
- Seek help
Sometimes you cannot do it on your own and that is ok. When you find that you cannot do this on your own or the help of those around you, it is good to seek professional help. Remember that even the smartest vehicle needs from time to time a professional service.
It always seems impossible until it is done. Nelson Mandela