Getting rid of guilt

So many people are consumed by guilt: Guilt for being a working mother, Guilt for not spending enough time at home with your family, Guilt for not climbing the corporate ladder as quickly as others, Guilt for not being as successful as you think others expect of you; and many more.

Why does guilt have such an impact on you? And how can you reduce your levels of guilt?

The origins of guilt

The two main reasons for guilt stem from the pain (or perceived pain) you have caused someone or from breaking your moral code. Guilt is thus more of a consequence of our own thoughts and believes than something being put on you by others. This implies that you cannot blame others for your guilty feelings; it is all on you…

How do you reduce or eliminate your guilt?

1. Become aware of your feelings

You get trapped in the cycle of guilt without even noticing and the very first step to get out of the cycle is to become aware of what you think that cause the cycle of guilt.

Do not underestimate the impact of social media – you see all the perfect leaders, mothers, fathers and cannot help to feel inadequate. Or worse, see and read about the troubles of others and feel guilty about your great life. Become aware!

Some people find it useful to keep a journal where they document their feelings and experiences at the end of a day. It assists in identifying your thought patterns and triggers for guilty feelings.

2. Change the self-talk

Tell yourself that you did the best you could—that whatever lapse of sound judgement impelled you to do something you now regret, was the best judgement available to you at the time. Say it out load and repeat it as often as needed.

3. Live your life, not the life of others

Decide on your goals and focus; not the goals and focus of others. Your only assessment should be against your personal goals. And your personal goals should be what you want; not what you think others think you should be or want. Having said this, do not get attached to your goals – it is only that: a goal, not a rule!

4. Ditch the hashtags

Many have the tendency to put their goals on social media as it will ensure accountability. There is nothing wrong with seeking ways to keep you accountable and although putting your goals on social media can give you the kickstart you need, you should be wary of the potential negative impact it might have. In a world where photo-shopping and fake news are at the order of the day, it is hard to know what is real. Remind yourself that Instagram, Facebook, etc is not #reality. Choose carefully who and what you follow, and what you post.

5. Accept a failure and move on

We all make mistakes and guilt is not going to change it. Yes, it might well hurt others, have long-lasting implications, etc. However, guilt will not change any of it. Accept the mistake. In order to move on, it is important to learn from the mistake. Do not dwell on the mistake; rather focus on the learning and how you will do it differently in future. This will help you to forgive yourself and move on.

Recognise that no one is perfect, not even our friends or family members who appear to lead perfect, guilt-free lives. Striving for 150% in any part of our lives is a recipe for failure – it can never be attained or maintained.

6. Get help

Sometimes you might be trapped so deeply in the feelings of guilt that you find it almost impossible to step out of it. Then seek help. Coaches and therapists are equipped to support and guide you through the journey of acceptance and self-love. There is no bigger gift to yourself than self-love and acceptance of the past. Only then you can truly move forward.

No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who only have capacity for living in the past.